It's the little things that make it that much sweeter

It's been a while since I have written, and I apologize to anyone who takes the time to read my posts! I have started graduate school, and have fallen behind on all of my extracurricular writing due to have to constantly write papers! Things remain has hectic and crazy as ever, between my little man and me. We are constantly on the go, and while I love it, I would also love some downtime at home!

It's hard to believe my little monkey is already 4 1/2!! Time has truly flown and I am flabbergasted by it! We still have our rough times, and are making adjustments where needed, but "t" seems to be adjusting, or getting there. His sweet little heart sometimes has trouble grasping at the "Why's" in life, but keeping an open mind and an open heart works wonders. It is amazing what their little minds can recall and what they understand. He has so much love, and I hope he always stays this way. 

Yes, our lives are hectic and crazy, but I am so thankful for the "little" moments I get with him. The nights I get to read him and story and tuck him into bed, with his favorite blankets and animals by his side. I am thankful for the bond that he and I have shared and our little rituals that he have. Every night before I close his bedroom door, I say "Goodnight little bear" and he will reply, "Goodnight little berry". It may sound silly to some, but it always makes me smile. Even the billion and one times I hear, "Wait mommy!! I have to tell you one more thing!" Typically this is how he tells me he wants one more hug or one more kiss. And totally melts my heart!

Last Monday, knowing I had to work late, my mom picked him up from school. After an extensive trip to Target, mom let him pick out an ornament for her Christmas tree that was "his" ornament. This is a tradition she started when she bought everyone in our family an ornament for her tree that represented him. For example, mine is a swimmer for the many years I spent swimming competitively. He picked out Jake from Jake and the Neverland Pirates. When I came to pick him up, he excitedly grabbed my hand, asked me to close my eyes, and led me into the room where she keeps her tree. After he told me I could open my eyes, he exclaimed with so much excitement, "Look Mommy!!! I'm next to you! We're like a FAMILY!!!" Tears started welling up in my eyes and it was all I could do not to let them fall. I picked him up, squeezed him hard, and said "We ARE a family!" 

Moments like this make all the rough ones that much sweeter. I know that as he gets older, they will be few and far between. I am so thankful that right now, in this given time, these moments happen quite often with him. His heart is huge and he is such an amazing little man. I look forward to seeing what God has in store for him, and I know in my heart it is something HUGE!! Does he test my patience? Yes. Does he drive me crazy? Yes. Does he have my wrapped around his little finger? Most definitely.

Letting go

  "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel." 

                                                               Steve Furlick

When I came upon this quote, I stopped. I sat. I starred. I started thinking about how true it is. With social media being at our fingertips constantly, it has become even easier for us to compare ourselves with what everyone else wants us to see.  I know I am guilty of doing this all of the time. I see the posts that are on Facebook and automatically think to myself, " If they can do that, why can't I," when I should be focused on what I can and will do. I literally have to shake myself out of it because that is NOT how I plan on living my life, and definitely NOT what I want to teach my son.

It seems like today we are so caught up in 'Keeping up with the Jones's" that we forget that life isn't a competition. When you lose sight of what's important, what is there to live FOR? Why do we spend so much time focusing on what others say and do when we have no control over it? When did outdoing others become so important that we forget to do right to ourselves? I don't want to be that mom that is so wrapped up in everything else that I forget that I will never have these moments back with my son. I want to be the kind of mom that puts things off in order to be able to spend more time with him so that when he looks back on this time in his life, he can remember the fun things we did- on a whim or planned. I don't want him to look back and think, "My mom had to plan everything out"

I don't want everyone to just see my highlight reel. I have always been the one who puts on a brave front when inside it isn't always okay. I don't want to be the one that acts like she can handle everything but is breaking down inside. I know I'm strong, but that doesn't mean that I have to be all of the time. Yes, I have my insecurities, but I don't need others to continue to point them out to me. Yes, I know that I am a work in progress. And, I am constantly trying to better myself. I don't need people around me who are so concerned with pointing out the flaws in others that they forget about the flaws in themselves. 

So, instead of focusing on the things that everyone else is doing, posting, or trying to act like they are, this is me. I am not perfect. I am, in fact, far from it. I don't want to be perfect. I want to be me. I want to feel good about who that person is. And I am not going to change because someone else thinks I should. I have enough on my plate without trying to please everyone. And, I know that if I am going to please anyone, I have to start with myself. 

Here's to the next chapter in my life- saying goodbye to those things that hold me down. I can't reach my potential if I am weighed down. And if I can't be more than mediocre, how can I teach my son that he can and should reach for greatness? 

More like "me" and a few other things

Looking back over my previous posts, maybe I've thrown my schedule out the window a little too much...There are way too many gaps in my blog writing lately!

I found out today that I got accepted in my MBA program starting this fall. I'm so excited, but also pretty nervous, too. I have worked so hard to get to this point, and I am glad to be able to take this journey. Luckily, I decided to take the summer off and spend some time with little man and just be "us". There have been so many changes in both of our lives lately, and I want him to be able to look back on his childhood and remember it as a happy time. I don't want him to remember mommy being "too busy" or "always working". So, these next 3 months, I am all his!!

I have decided to spend more time focusing on what is important, and to stop trying to fix everything. I am not super glue, and I don't want things or people in my life who are constantly needing to be fixed. I have a very good support system, something I have always known, but after the last few months have grown even more certain of it. The roller coaster I have been on for the last 3 or so years is finally coming to a stop, and it feels fantastic. I already feel more like me, and for that, I am so thankful.

2 months later...

It doesn't feel like I have taken a 2 month hiatus from my blog, but I guess I have. Thankfully, school is winding down, and summer is almost here (I think, depending on if spring decides to stick around now). Things are still pretty complicated in my life, and I am not sure where the end of the tunnel is, or if there is one. I am just doing the only thing that I can do- take it one day at a time, and turn it over to God. If I have learned anything throughout this process, it is that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought possible. Everyone kept telling me that in the beginning, but I really didn't think it would happen. But, they were right. I am trying to do my best and let T be my main focus.Luckily, there has been a lot going on so I have had plenty to focus on outside of everything. And I definitely thrive when I have a ton of things to do. I guess it's time management at it's best....

 

It's funny when a song hits home...

Have you ever been listening to the radio (or in my case, Pandora) and found yourself caught up in a song because it is exactly what you're thinking or feeling at the moment? That is what is happening to me right now, except it's not just a song. I am pretty sure it is the whole Theory of a Deadman album 'Scars and Souvenirs'. I have listened to these songs numerous times, but with everything going on, the words are just really hitting home. And, it has been great listening to the "Theory of a Deadman" station on pandora while running. The extra anger and aggression has helped me push through some barriers and kept my mind off wanting to stop. Now, if only it will kick my butt into gear and get me back to running a 5k at the end of March....

Here are a few examples of what I mean, and if you know me, you'll probably get what it means to me:
"Let's take a chance, go far away, today
And never look back again. Since I
Said I loved you in Las vegas. It's
Never been the same since then." - All or Nothing

"It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad" -Not meant to be

 "There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day" Heaven 

2013- my propositions

As my previous post suggested, I am a work in progress, and am looking forward to 2013. While the first month has been pretty stressful, emotional, and down right aggravating, I refuse to lose focus on the big picture. But, even more so, I refuse to give up on finding out more about me (and no, not in a "me me me" sense). For the past near decade (YIKES!), I have given my all to things and people, while putting myself on the back burner, and in a sense, have lost sight of me. This was not something I planned, and while I love everything that I do, sometimes I feel that I have been committed to so much that I have lost sight of the important things- my family, friends, etc. Don't get me wrong, those who know me know that I would bend over backwards to help anyone out. But learning to say "No" more isn't a bad thing, or so I've been told. So, I plan to start using it more. I plan to spend more time with Tristan with the TV (iPad, phone, etc) turned off. I plan on making the next few years extremely memorable, and don't want to miss a minute of the excitement that is life. In order to do this, I have realized, that I have to let go of the schedule. While a schedule is a great thing to be on, you don't have to live it. So what if you get your 3 year old in bed at 10 instead of 8:30, or if he wants to have dinner in the bathtub? Who cares if you are late taking him to daycare because he wants to snuggle for a "wittle bit" before he will get up? These are the things and moments that will last a lifetime, not the darn schedule. So, I propose throwing it out the window, setting it on fire, just dump the thing! YOU DON'T NEED IT! Life like you're supposed to- be happy, not stressed. Giving, not walked on. And loved, not taken for granted!!!!! 

Putting my big girl pants on and dealing....

Fifteen days into 2013, and I am so glad to be looking forward to what it has in store. So much has happened in the past month, but I am determined to put it behind me and focus on making my life better, less stressful, and more fulfilling. I refuse to let anyone hold me back from what I want to do. This year, I will be finding my way back to me, and make a more conscience effort to be more time efficient so I'm not spreading myself thin. I have a feeling I am going to learn a lot more about myself this year- good and bad- and I'm ok with that. I know that God has a plan for me and I'm going to have to learn to let go of the reigns at some point...